Change of Life
by waywardkitty
Summary: JC The dreaded menopause story. Pretty much total Fluff.


Change of Life

AN: This started out as the dreaded menopause story and I expected it to be total fluff, but at some point some angst crept in. Then I had to give it a happy ending. OK, so it is just fluff. You may not need a hanky, but I did.

---

Chakotay paced a little as he rang Kathryn's door chime for the third time. It was 1905. He was sure she said to meet her in her quarters for dinner at 1900. It wasn't like her to be late.

"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

"Status."

"Captain Janeway is awake."

"Chakotay to Janeway."

No response.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

No response.

With a sigh, he punched his command override into the door.

The door swept open to reveal a darkened room. The stars dashing by were the only source of illumination.

Chakotay stepped forward just enough to let the door close.

"Kathryn?"

He squinted in the darkness.

"Kathryn?"

He heard a sigh from the corner and she stepped out of the shadows.

"Are you OK?"

She skirted the room and sat on the couch in front of the viewport.

"You're worrying me, Kathryn." He moved toward the couch. When he sat, she scooted away from him.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"I... I don't know."

"Tell me what you do know," he said gently.

"My annual exam was overdue."

"I know. I've reminded you about it twice."

"I went today."

"OK." A sense of dread clenched his throat and slithered into his belly. Spirits, please don't let there be anything wrong with her.

"It's nothing," she assured him, rubbing her temple. "Really. It's perfectly natural and it's not like I'm dying."

He sighed in relief. "Tell me."

"I always assumed I had time, Chakotay."

Confusion wrinkled his brow. "You do have time."

She turned away.

"Kathryn, I don't understand."

Her voice was a harsh whisper. "Menopause."

Oh. "Oh." That kind of time. "I'm sure there are... options." He was out of his depth, but weren't there always options?

"A few," she conceded. She turned back toward him, but wouldn't look him in the eye.

"Perhaps it would help to talk them through."

"I could let go of the desire to have children," she said mournfully. "Accept that I won't."

He nodded to indicate that he heard her.

"The doctor could extract some eggs to put in stasis. For later. If I ever--" Her breathe caught in her throat.

"If you ever..."

But she didn't continue the thought. Instead, she blurted, "The doctor doesn't like the odds on that option. Stasis can damage unfertilized eggs."

He picked up the subtext of her statement. "What about putting fertilized eggs in stasis?"

"That procedure has better odds of success."

"So it would just be a matter of finding a donor."

She chuffed out a mirthless laugh. "I don't know why I'm considering it the whole scenario is ridiculous."

"Is it?"

"Oh, please, Chakotay. First of all, in all likelihood, I'm going to have the responsibility of guiding this ship through the Delta Quadrant for the rest of my life. I can't just selfishly decide to have a child if I can't make motherhood a priority. Second, can you imagine the scandal of procuring a donor?" She threw him a mock leer. "'Hello, crewman. You look like you have good DNA. Drop you pants and jerk off into this cup. That's an order."

"Kathryn."

She jumped up and started pacing. "And then the betting. I'm sure Mr. Paris would make a fortune on the paternity pool. It's all academic Chakotay. I never wanted to raise a child on my own. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted a family. The whole package. Even if I take the doctor's suggestion, that dream is going to die."

"Are you ready to hear another perspective?"

"Give me a minute." She paced a few more laps and then settled at the far end of the couch again. "OK. Go ahead."

"Finding a donor doesn't have to be scandalous. There are men on this ship that can be trusted to be discreet and handle the matter with sensitivity. As for the betting pool, we could forbid --"

"We?"

"As first officer, discipline in such matters typically falls to me. That's not the point. Alternatively, you could be open about paternity. That would really put an end to speculation."

"You make it sound as though I wouldn't have a problem finding a donor that would be willing to agree to all this."

"I know of one." He looked deep into her eyes.

"Oh, Chakotay. I couldn't do that to you after Seska--"

"That was completely different. Seska violated my body and forcibly stole my DNA while I was tied up and beaten to a pulp. You wouldn't be forcing me, Kathryn. I'm offering. I'd consider it an honor to be able to give you this."

"It's all academic. I don't have time to be a mother."

"You don't have to stop being yourself to have children. You'd be a wonderful mother. And you would have a lot of help, as much help as you allowed. Do you know how many members of the crew volunteer to help out with Naomi? They love being able--"

"And you'd be OK with not being any more involved in your child's life than any other member of the crew?"

"Yes. If that's what you want. I'm offering with no expectations. No strings attached."

She shook her head. "A child should be born out of love."

"Kathryn. It would be. Perhaps not in the context of a romantic relationship, but the love of friends is precious too."

"I don't know, Chakotay."

"You don't have to know right now. Have you eaten?"

He replicated a light meal for them and they ate in companionable silence. After recycling the dishes, he said, "I should go. You look tired."

"Thank you for everything, Chakotay. I know I don't say this often enough, but you are the best friend I could have wished for."

"I know." He smirked at her and was rewarded with an eye roll and a slight, lopsided grin. He made his way to the door but paused at the threshold and looked back at her. "Kathryn, if you wanted your dream, the whole package, you know you could have that too."

She froze and blinked back a few tears.

He knew she wouldn't answer. "Goodnight, Kathryn."

---

A few days later, while they were going over reports in her ready room, Kathryn brought up the subject again.

"Chakotay. I've been thinking about your offer. I'm not ready to have a child, but, if I want to keep my options open, the doctor needs to proceed soon."

He nodded his understanding. "Keeping your options open is a good idea. Have the doctor contact me when I'm needed."

"Thank you, Chakotay."

"You're welcome, Kathryn."

---

It was good that they were passing through a quiet area of space, because the next few months were hard on Kathryn. The doctor immediately started treatment to stimulate ovulation. A few weeks after Kathryn and Chakotay's last conversation on the subject, the doctor conducted an early morning procedure to extract her eggs. Later that morning, he paged Chakotay to the infirmary and led the Commander to a private cubicle where he could make his donation.

They saw little of each other that day. Kathryn sequestered herself in her ready room and refused Chakotay's offers for lunch and dinner. He was disappointed, but respected her need for solitude.

She hadn't said much in the previous weeks, but he could tell that the ovulation treatment had been wreaking havoc with her mood. Over the next few weeks, he became concerned that she wasn't return to her old self. He tried a few times to gently ask if she was OK. Each time she waved him off. Finally, he went to see the doctor.

"I'm sorry, Commander, but doctor-patient confidentiality--"

"I'm not asking you to give me all the details, Doc. I just need to figure out if the problem is just psychological."

"It's not."

"Would you say it's more organic than psychological?"

"I would say it's more organic."

"I had no idea the after effects would take so long to dissipate. It's like she's at the beginning--"

The doctor nodded.

"She's also putting unfertilized eggs in stasis."

"I can't confirm that," he said with the slightest of nods.

Chakotay felt his heart clench. So Kathryn was keeping all her options open, even the option of having children with another man. But he had no right to object. So he gave her more time. And sure enough, after a few more weeks, her moodiness lifted. Weeks turned into months. Life was what passed for normal on Voyager.

---

One night, Chakotay couldn't sleep. He headed to sickbay.

He was surprised when the EMH didn't greet him. As he looked around the various corners of sickbay, he spoke with the computer.

"Computer, locate EMH."

"The Emergency Medical Hologram is on deck 13, engineering."

"Reason?"

"The Emergency Medical Hologram was called to assess a medical emergency."

"Computer, what was the nature of the emergency?"

"Lieutenant Carey struck his head on the threshold of Jeffries tube 34."

Well, that didn't sound too dire. Probably just a precaution. Something caught his eye, a flash of shiny peach fabric in the corner of the med lab.

"Kathryn?"

She turned from where she had been staring at the wall. Only it wasn't just a wall, he realized, it was one of the small stasis units used for preserving samples.

She jumped. "Chakotay. What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't sleep. I was hoping the Doc could give me something for it. How about you?"

"What?"

"Why are you in sickbay at 0300?"

"Oh. This is embarrassing. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I come visit them." Them. Their unborn children.

"Does it help?"

"Not really, but it gives me something to do. I know, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Kathryn. I think it's actually sweet." He gave her a dimpled smile.

They heard the sickbay door swish open and went out to greet the Doctor.

"Oh, no," said the Doctor to Chakotay. "Don't tell me you're making nocturnal visits to your progeny now?"

"Actually, I came to see about something to help me sleep. How's Carey?"

"Goodnight gentlemen," Kathryn said and made a hasty exit.

"Carey's fine. No concussion. I was just checking to be on the safe side. You're on Alpha shift tomorrow?"

"Yes." Chakotay desperately wanted to speak more with Kathryn, but obviously she didn't share that desire.

The doctor produced a hypospray and pressed it to the Commander's neck. "You'll want to get to bed in the next 10 minutes. Your system will clear it in approximately three hours."

The next morning, Chakotay programmed the computer to alert him if Kathryn Janeway visited the back corner of the med lab between the hours of midnight and 0500.

The months turned into a year, a very hard year, their seventh in the Delta Quadrant. Kathryn pulled away from him, pulled away from everyone. The alert he set was never tripped.

He tried not to think about the fact that Kathryn wasn't taking advantage of the "options" down in the med lab's stasis unit. With all they had been through recently, he knew he couldn't read too much into it. But in some corner of his heart, it hurt. He wanted children too. Their children. Maybe more than she did.

He had to admit that he hadn't been entirely honest with himself or her about his motives. There was a selfish aspect to his so-called no-strings-attached offer. Oddly, recognizing his selfishness, his need, was the catalyst for his attempt at moving on. He didn't actively pursue anyone, but when Seven showed an interest in him, he decided to meet her half way, just to see what would happen.

And then the Admiral arrived. He studied her. Had she simply thickened with age, or had her hips spread from having born children?

It was the night before their attempt to get back home when the computer woke him.

"Kathryn Janeway is in the medical lab. Kathryn Janeway is in the medical lab."

He jumped up and threw on a pair of sweats. He rushed into sickbay.

"I was wondering how long it was going to take you to get here," the Admiral said.

Chakotay was slightly shocked that Admiral Kathryn Janeway, not Captain Kathryn Janeway, had tripped the alert. He said nothing.

"Don't look so surprised. The computer wasn't prepared for there to be two of me."

"You knew about the alert."

"I suspected. You always were a tricky bastard. Especially when it came to mother henning me."

"Is that why you... she... never┘ hasn't... come down here?"

"She's not sure there is an alert but she doesn't want to risk getting caught again. Not to mention that the Doctor was really rather mean about these visits."

"You never went through with it." It wasn't a question.

"No. I didn't."

Hurt contorted his handsome face.

"It's one of many things I regret, Chakotay." She laid a hand on his arm. "One of the many things I hope she won't have to regret."

He shook his head. "It was selfish of me."

"On some level, but she and I always knew that."

"Is that why you didn't--"

"No. Not entirely. There were many reasons." She let her hand drop from his arm.

His mind drifted to an earlier conversation with Seven. "One of which was my relationship with Seven."

"Yes." She paused, considering how much to tell him. "You weren't the only one that pretended to be selfless, Chakotay. I didn't carry any of these babies, but I gave one away."

"To Seven and I."

"Yes. The Borg implants have complications for her reproductive system."

"Seven told me..." It was all becoming clearer. "But you didn't tell her... Seven was pregnant when she died in your timeline."

"Yes." She couldn't look him in the eye any more and tried to study the pattern of the carpet.

"That's what really destroyed me, isn't it?"

"I don't..." She looked up at him through her lashes. "I didn't think so at the time. I thought you really loved her that much. I was so hurt that I shut you out, until the very end."

"What happened at the end?"

"You called to me. I avoided going to you, but crew threatened to mutiny if I didn't." She tossed her head up and looked him straight in the eye. "And you asked me why I never had our children. You said you only ever wanted to give me the whole package. You told me that the thing you loved best about Seven was that she was willing to carry our child."

His face was wet with tears and his breathing was labored. His heart was breaking at the thought that these children might never be born, that he might never be with Kathryn, that he had might become so hopeless that he'd consider letting another woman bear their children, that he had become so hopeless that he'd turned to another woman. And the worst part is that the Admiral's heart was so hardened that she could stand there and tell him this with dry eyes. "Why are you telling me this?" he rasped.

"Because it's not too late for her yet. It's not too late for the two of you and the babies. And it's not too late to let Seven down easy." She waited for him to absorb these possibilities and then she headed for the door. But she couldn't leave it at that. She looked at him, perhaps for the last time and said, "I know I asked you to agree that these babies were mine to do with as I wished. But I was wrong. These are your babies too. Give them a chance at life, Chakotay."

---

The door chimed.

"Enter."

Commander Chakotay entered the ready room and looked at the Captain. She was standing on the upper deck, looking at the big blue marble that dominated her viewport.

He went to stand beside her.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" she asked.

"Yes, it is."

"I wasn't sure I'd ever see it again."

"I was."

They shared a smile and sat on the couch. "What have you got?"

"The last engineering report. And a copy of everyone's temporary contact information for your personal use."

She set down the report and browsed through the contact information. Smiles of varying flavors flickered across her face. "Harry will be so happy to spend some time with his parents."

"Yes, he will."

"I'm glad Tom and Belanna will be staying with Owen."

"They have a lot of fences to mend."

Kathryn frowned and clicked off the PADD. "What about you, Chakotay?"

"I'm staying in San Francisco for a while. I want to visit my sister and Sveta, but not until I figure out what I'll do next. I bet you'll be glad to spend time with your family in Indiana."

"Mmmm. And Seven?" She looked him straight in the eye. It was so intense that he had to look away.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since I let her down easy the day we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant." He looked back at her, deep into her eyes.

"What? Why?"

He smiled softly. "An old friend gave me some good advice the other night." He stood.

"Oh, no. Don't you give me that mysterious crap." She grabbed his arm and pulled him back down to the couch.

"Would you rather I tell you a story?" he asked impishly.

She rolled her eyes. "If it makes it easier for you."

"It does." He angled his body toward her and took her hands in his. "My people believe that the spirit exists eternally. That all who have been, and all who will be are alive in the spirit world. There's a legend about a warrior -- now don't laugh -- Who was traveling to the tribe's summer home land after a long, dark, cold winter, when he lost his way in the woods. He had been hunting a rabbit, just a little something to tide him over on his journey. The rabbit led him on a merry chase far from his path. By the time he caught it, he was famished. It wasn't a very good rabbit, rather scrawny, but it kept him going. In truth, it was probably more trouble than it was worth.

"The warrior rested by a lake, contemplating how he would ever get back to his caravan, back to his beloved. A part of him despaired, he was so lost, and wondered if he would be stuck chasing rabbits for the rest of his days. And then, he saw a light in the water. He waded out from the shore and discovered that it was the spirit of his beloved warrior princess, looking like an old woman. Lucky for him, she was a very wise old incarnation of his beloved.

"She told him not to give up. To give him an extra incentive, she called forth the spirits of their unborn children..."

Kathryn sucked in a quick breathe and her eyes began to water.

He smiled. "Beautiful children, Kathryn. Children with blue eyes, and brown eyes. With quick wits and dimples and lopsided smiles. Happy children born of the love and passion of their parents. The beloved's spirit told him, 'Give them a chance at life, warrior.' Then she told him which way to go and warned him not to chase anymore rabbits..."

"Chakotay."

"...lest they give him indigestion." His smile deepened. "He rejoined the caravan just as his people entered the summer land. He sought out his beloved as soon as he could. He was nearly struck dumb by her beauty..." He reached up a hand and caressed her wet cheek with the back of his fingers.

"Chakotay."

He placed a finger on her lips for a moment. "He wanted to tell her about what he had seen. About how her spirit had led him home. About the children." His gaze wandered around the room, anywhere but here eyes. "They had talked about having children, but he wasn't sure if she was ready..."

Kathryn threw herself into his arms. "She's ready, Chakotay, she's ready."

---

AN 2: Sorry for the abrupt ending, but I think your imagination can take it from here. ;-)


End file.
